Excuse me...

... I have an apology.

But I won't insult you by voicing it for the umpteenth time. In fact, I will politely move on, no avoiding it, but gently moving on as to not appear toolish or dramatic.

This summer has been so far, and will continue to be, the hardest summer of my life. I find that without the structure of school, the hustle-and-bustle of a roaring social life, going to a real church, and having your boyfriend ten minutes away: it's tough. And not only that but I am "stuck" in the town I've been dying to get out of. Don't get me wrong; I'm so thankful that I can come and stay with my parents and that I have a job here that will always take me back. But there is rebellion and disontent in my heart. I could walk you through the steps of how I got here; at least a year of direct unrest. But I'm done with re-hashing the past. It's time to work in the present.

I feel like Jonah a little bit. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here. I want to take a boat in the opposite direction and yeah, I want to be swallowed by a whale! I suppose the fact that I'm here voices that I'm at least somewhat obedient. I didn't runaway. I didn't turn the other way. But if I continue sulking, all of the headway I could have made will be lost. And I don't feel like spending an entire, sun-laced, lotion-smelling, snow-cone eating summer on being depressed (how were those for kennings?). In fact, a just a little bit done with the depression thing. I've seen many of my friends go through it and I wept on their behalf, and now as I go through whatever this is I'm self-depricating and whiny. No thank you. That's unbecoming of a lady, that's unbecoming of a disciple of Christ!

I guess that's my main point... I've been whining about "poor me!" "poor situation!" and yet... God has placed me here, like Esther, "for such a time as this." I might be like Abraham and never know just what was working through me because the fruits of it aren't to be seen in my lifetime, but you know what... I'd rather be a hundred or more yards behind the great Heroes of Faith of Hebrews than to quit the race all together.

Trust.
Faith.
Hope.

To replace

Mistrust.
Fear.
Discontent.

I'm not perfect, and I'm in no means patting myself on the back. I've been mulling over these facts for a good week now and I've come to the conclusion that quite frankly, I suck at this. I'm incapable of doing it. But the God who rescued Daniel, and the Christ who forgave Peter after he denied him (and denied that he would deny him!) has great love in store for his chosen. And in that love is Grace and Mercy and the opportunity to work for him once again, side by side. God is sovereign. God is magnificent. And yet, he cares intimately for us as his chosen. He wishes to redeem us, he wishes for us to fall in love with him, to let go of the world. When we let go, we deny ourselves and let Christ rule supremely. It's not a one time act, but rather a moment by moment release of our pride, our mistrust, our ever-present fear that puts God at the forefront of our hearts and on the throne of our souls.

I mostly write this for myself... selfishly enough. Yet, I do not apologize for this. I simply humbly present to you the words our God has laid on my heart.

Here's to an exciting Summer, 2010.

the sky is the limit

false.

summer 2010. brough to you by an A in Linguistics and a B in New Testament. thank OBU, you've been real. real something. real fun. real exciting. real... tangible? ostensibly, this is correct. (thanks dr. armond! in more ways than one!)

ah, the rambling. shall it never end? i had plans this summer. big plans, big, high flying plans. Sky Ranch was on the agenda, as was some swimming lessons and some lifeguarding. all viable, normal options for a summer. correct?

false.

let me preface this... in the beginning, ah, no no too far back... to be an adult - much better - you have to be responsible. yes, yes, responsible. but you also need to follow God's direction for your life. this can seem contradictory at times, trust me. God has a plan though, and he always sees it through. i thought his plan was for me to go to Sky Ranch this summer. but alas, he has decided otherwise.

you see... i've always had this "silver platter" mentality, as well as the notion that i'm somehow endowed to that. in this society and with the pressures around me, i've become that snobby, yuppy, priveleged, "my parents will pay for it" kid that i have always despised. yes, it's true. how is that okay? well it's not. not for me anyway. i've let it effect all that i am. i've let it taint my relationships. i've let it get in the way of seeing just exactly who God wants me to be. i was caught up in the Chaco hype. in the awesome-summer-plans hype. i was caught up in something that was not my Christ, even though i so desperately wanted it to be.

so where does this leave me? well... it leaves me with no money, a degraded sense of self-worth, an attitude adjustment, and a mission field that is my every-day. i gave up Sky Ranch to make money for the upcoming fall. truth is: camp doesn't pay much and i can't afford to take a job that doesn't pay much. i'm not missing out on a missions opportunity because my life is a mission. i see 1000+ a day where i work and i interact with most of them. i've been looking for the BIG ACT God's had in store for me and quite frankly (and oh so dissapointingly) i've missed the fact that it's been right under my nose this whole time.

God's dropped me here in Independence with dashed hopes (in something i shouldn't have had my hopes in), few friends, and no school. just me, my family, and the ability to make or break my adulthood.

i've decided to grow up, no wait, God's decided it's time for me to grow up. i'd like to ask you all to pray for me in this crazy adventure ahead. i've discovered a lot of chinks in my armor and getting a new one is hard to adjust to.

I'm praying for you guys to. i'm excited for you guys who are going to camp! those of you going on mission trips! those of you staying home and working! those of you getting married! those of you LIVING this mondane life God has given us! keep your eyes OPEN! his blessings are out there EVERY DAY ALL THE TIME.

pre-finals

spring semester might as well be the worst time of the year to do schoolwork.

no motivation.

a promise of warmth.

summer approaching.

leaving behind friends.

getting a job.

the list goes on and on... we study and study and study to have it all ripped away, like an older sibling stealing a younger siblings lollipop: gone. in the blink of an eye. i feel like we just started this semester! like spring break was last week! and now it's over... and i'm supposed to have learned a bunch of facts and wisdom so i can take some tests this week.

uh...

missed that memo.

and now, as i eat my free donut (thanks Rachel) i wish all those with finals splendid penmanship, instantaneous recall, and peace. we can do it. we were in class, i think. we studied, mostly. it's time to bust blue books and write down names. and after that... summer awaits us.

crop circles on the hill

the red machine whirls and struggles.
fighting each blade of grass till each submits.
billows of pollen, dust, and polution waft into the air, flowing up, up, up into the hazy blue sky.
the man on the mower wears an old cap, sporty shades, the pride of a hard-workers tan. he cuts the grass like the professional he is. i don't know the man, i'll probably never meet the man, but i admire his work, his skill, his bread-winning forte. the hill looks great. and the air smells like the onions he's chopped up beneath his angry blades.

i sit on the half-picnic table, avoiding a paper, reading Saturday, and enjoying the amazing spring essence around me. there are scribbbles and cuts on the bench/table. most of these people are gone. gone into real life, gone into a separate part of campus; just gone.

as i contemplate these things, these natural things, these material and inconsequential things, i wonder what it means to be post-modern. i wonder what will happen to this bench when i'm long graduated. i wonder what will happen when the hill is covered in crab grass and new students in the fall, i wonder if anyone will ever read this blog. and i wonder... when it's all gone. when there is no blogspot.com, when there is no OBU, when there is no bench for us to sit on and enjoy the outside air. what will happen? what will come next? is there anything next? surely, an afterlife awaits me. filled with God's presence and a multitude of Christ-followers. but just the same... what will happen when the "joys" and "blessings" and the beauty of this world pass away? what will we have left?

will we simply have crop-circles in lawns? fallen branches from trees? self-centered theory? blankness? hazy skies?

to contemplate is post-modern, to wonder at what comes next is essential. but to reflect, apply, and change based on these contemplations... what is that? where are we now?

maybe Braum's frozen yogurt will reveal this to me.