Excuse me...

... I have an apology.

But I won't insult you by voicing it for the umpteenth time. In fact, I will politely move on, no avoiding it, but gently moving on as to not appear toolish or dramatic.

This summer has been so far, and will continue to be, the hardest summer of my life. I find that without the structure of school, the hustle-and-bustle of a roaring social life, going to a real church, and having your boyfriend ten minutes away: it's tough. And not only that but I am "stuck" in the town I've been dying to get out of. Don't get me wrong; I'm so thankful that I can come and stay with my parents and that I have a job here that will always take me back. But there is rebellion and disontent in my heart. I could walk you through the steps of how I got here; at least a year of direct unrest. But I'm done with re-hashing the past. It's time to work in the present.

I feel like Jonah a little bit. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here. I want to take a boat in the opposite direction and yeah, I want to be swallowed by a whale! I suppose the fact that I'm here voices that I'm at least somewhat obedient. I didn't runaway. I didn't turn the other way. But if I continue sulking, all of the headway I could have made will be lost. And I don't feel like spending an entire, sun-laced, lotion-smelling, snow-cone eating summer on being depressed (how were those for kennings?). In fact, a just a little bit done with the depression thing. I've seen many of my friends go through it and I wept on their behalf, and now as I go through whatever this is I'm self-depricating and whiny. No thank you. That's unbecoming of a lady, that's unbecoming of a disciple of Christ!

I guess that's my main point... I've been whining about "poor me!" "poor situation!" and yet... God has placed me here, like Esther, "for such a time as this." I might be like Abraham and never know just what was working through me because the fruits of it aren't to be seen in my lifetime, but you know what... I'd rather be a hundred or more yards behind the great Heroes of Faith of Hebrews than to quit the race all together.

Trust.
Faith.
Hope.

To replace

Mistrust.
Fear.
Discontent.

I'm not perfect, and I'm in no means patting myself on the back. I've been mulling over these facts for a good week now and I've come to the conclusion that quite frankly, I suck at this. I'm incapable of doing it. But the God who rescued Daniel, and the Christ who forgave Peter after he denied him (and denied that he would deny him!) has great love in store for his chosen. And in that love is Grace and Mercy and the opportunity to work for him once again, side by side. God is sovereign. God is magnificent. And yet, he cares intimately for us as his chosen. He wishes to redeem us, he wishes for us to fall in love with him, to let go of the world. When we let go, we deny ourselves and let Christ rule supremely. It's not a one time act, but rather a moment by moment release of our pride, our mistrust, our ever-present fear that puts God at the forefront of our hearts and on the throne of our souls.

I mostly write this for myself... selfishly enough. Yet, I do not apologize for this. I simply humbly present to you the words our God has laid on my heart.

Here's to an exciting Summer, 2010.